Voltaire…

… would only wipe his arse with the neck of a swan, never anything else.

…aged 12 weeks or younger the finger will grow back. Only the little finger though. The others don’t have the capability.

…was voyaging on the HMS Ark Royal, visiting the colonies, when some members of the ship’s crew managed to isolate the waste pipe servicing the toilet in her cabin. They then intercepted a large piece of faeces that the Princess had flushed, dried it out somehow and had it gold plated. To this day it sits in the officer’s mess trophy cabinet aboard HMS Ark Royal.

…the Queen was due to make a visit to Bradford. The council of the day decided to honour Her Majesty by gold plating the toilet in the town hall that had been set aside for her sole use (see below). However, it transpired that the Queen’s visit was cancelled at the last minute and the gold plating of the toilet was a pointless exercise after all. The golden toilet remains to this day in Bradford town hall.

…makes an official visit somewhere a toilet is set aside for her sole use, should she need it or not. Two footmen are sent ahead to check the privacy of the facilities. The test involves one man standing outside the door of the lavatory, listening intently, whilst the other drops a peeled banana into the lavatory bowl. Should the footman outside the door here a splash then the toliet is considered unsatisfactory for Her Majesty’s needs and another convenience must be found.
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…a doctor circumcising a newborn baby boy accidentally slipped and cut off the baby’s penis. Not having the ability to sew the organ back on they decided to remove the penis and testicles entirely and bring the child up as a girl. The boy didn’t discover the truth about his sex until he was 20 years old**. It’s a famous story. The kid became known as ‘Little Albert’***.

* Possibly
** Maybe
*** Probably not

…included building a number of railway lines spanning the country. There’s one massive stretch of line, hundreds of miles long, running from Moscow to Siberia. It’s 100% straight as an arrow except for one section that curves upwards briefly and then returns to the previous course. This is because when Stalin was ordering where to build the railway he simply drew a line on a map with a ruler, while he was doing so his pencil accidentally bounced over his finger resulting in a short curved section. Everyone was so fucking terrified of Stalin no one doubted that he’d meant to add the curved section and so it was built exactly as drawn on the map. If you go to Russia you can see the section of track to this day. Although if you check any maps it won’t be on them.

…piloted a novel scheme a few years ago to rid the city’s streets of tramps; they employed a team of people to walk around the city offering the homeless a six pack of special brew and a one way bus ticket to Aberdeen on the condition that they never returned to Glasgow. If you go to Aberdeen you’ll notice a disproportionate amount of Glaswegian tramps on the streets. Obviously it’s a secret scheme and if you were to ask any councillor or official they’ll have to deny it. This is how you will know it is true.

…was visiting a homeless shelter about 15 years ago when this stinking bearded tramp pipes up, “Charles! My dear boy!”, in a plumy English accent. Turns out it was one of his old Gordonstoun classmates down on his luck.
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…who was a twin, right, and he had his arm amputated and sewn onto his twin brother’s chest… just for a laugh. No, it’s true, it is actually possible. A bloke in the pub told me, and with some conviction too.

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